wake me up when september ends

Etiquetas: the awakening

Met Dillan to plan for 0's .

we gt to know a lil of each other .

and he said "WHAT A WASTE !!!"

to me .

cuz he said with my intelligience, ingredients and personality i shouldnt be getting these kinda results .

i should be at the top .

Dillian thinks my enviroment sucks .

he hates de system in schools in Singapore .

Said my efforts and personality are meant for a purpose .

and said that the PEOPLE just dont see it .

anyway , we talked for quite awhile .

very philosophical . intriguing . and deep .

He belives . and by actually conveying this kind of speech to me and expecting me to understand .

he knows i knows .

and that is cool .

anyway , we got the planning started .

and he explained and told me wisdom .

"u fall , get back up and run faster"

"reason why people dislike school is because they lack a purpose"

"knowledge is power"

"infinite knowledge is infinite power"

"power is freedom"

and many more .

at least this is working .

i feel awesome , more focused and definitely motivated .

He's impressed .

but he's yet to know more of what ived done .

but at times like this is when josh humbles himself .

where de egoistic funloving josh aint him .

oh mann . u dont know what ived done and conquered .

maybe thats why when i say little things like being a genius .

im considered blowing my trumpet .

okie . you haven seen the real trumpet mann .

i forgive u .

thdn again , maybe i should just not say a thing at all .

anyway , josh is happy with his new friend .

its gnna work .

and fear is how i fall .

everbody fears , even subconsciously .

cuz sometimes ppl think they are fearless .

Dillian said i have a fear of achieving . and im not aware of it .

constantly running away from my fear subconsciously .

and thats when procrastination comes in .

thats it people .

you are gonna miss Joshy .

fear is in de eye of de beholder .

and as fearless as josh gets , he has to take this down first .



josh - the phantom conquerer

wth , i skipped school again ?!?!

garhh . it isnt deliberate this time .

i freakin overslept okie ??

cuz i forgot to do de bio papers and thdn went to do it last nite .

besides doing , have to flip textbook and look at sources to learn and answer .

afterall this week is personal bio intensive for me .

garhh . i shouldn regret or feel anythin stupid .

okie maybe just a lil . cuz did so much and dint get to school and pass it up .

but in de end . i learnt something what , bio improved and i bet can answer Anands questions faster and better .

hahaha . bio is actually so easy . the only memorizing part is chap 1 to 8 .

thats ur basics . any other thdn what would be sexual reproduction in humans and plants .

the rest is pure understanding , read through can already .

but my read through is really read . understand in and out . left right , up down , everywhere .

hmm . i think she's tired . she really doesnt wanna stay up that late i think .

haha , gnna test her thdn , oh and im writing this here becuz ??

dont know . no reason .

i dont like her byes la . so draft and quick .

as if you are eager to go .

nvm that .

i maybe wrong , yes , before i get de overanalization thing again .

gah . ppl analazes stuff everyday .

simple things like , i think he/she is mad at he/she .

yes and times ppl get wrong things .

se mua is no exception .

but thdn again .

ppl think its fun being a supergenius and all , but they nv know how many idiots they have to put up with everyday .

so de Mr josh who solved many problems .

not math problems . but everyday life problems .

undo puzzles . decipher what ppl are hiding . keep ppl's secret this that .. try to convey it to ppl sub consciously .. this and that ..

hmm .. im starting to think im da vinci junior .

lol haha .

nahh .

if da vinci grew up in this era or this time .

he probably became something else ?

maybe a rock star . LOL .

or Beethoven ? He probably points a middle finger in de face of Maksim .

haha .

still , wished Einstein is still alive !!!!

u know , reason why i loved science last time and scroe almost full marks everytime .

is becuz of him . ( and endless hours of Dexter's Laboratory , lol =P)

yeahh , and pretty interested to know about how life works and stuff .

now , in school . teachers teach for marks . not knowledge .

mr physics lim is a very good example .

his lessons ???

BOREs de hell outa me .

well i heard of E1's physics Neo .

She teaches for knowledge .

and that is cool .

E1 went to his exhibition thingy .

they saw quite alot of cool stuff !!

joshy wants to go mann .

no fair !!

well , thats de science that i like .

interesting and applicable to life .

science used to rock .

used to want to be a scientist .

used to invent stuff here and there , well not really invent .

just made things out of things .

one was a robotic arm and a remote control car put together .

kinda big size . so it can help u take stuffs at home .

what bout de remote for both ud' ask ?

just stick them together la !!

haha . and that was done when i was like 9yrs old .

got a few other inventions with explosives !

haha . that was really fun and useful during CNY in Sarawak .

muahahaha .

ooook .

now that i didnt eat for alreadyy 21 hours .

and i dont feel that hungry now .

gosh , im dead . ived attained super low metabolism rate .

DIE !!! later eat abit den de body will absorb so much .

uhoh , hmm . will slowly increase later .

hmm or at de mean time . lower it sommore so i can outfast Ghandi !!!

muahahaha . okie la . that one . after de 0's or when i have completely nothin to do other thdn lose weight . den i will .

josh's stomach = power

haha . no la , got more power thdn me de .

heard of 40 days before ??

haha . okie .

now , think ima go eat .

and do more bio .

maybe gg to school later to pass stuff .

okie alrite . time to go .





josh - returning to the eyes of 5yr old josh . intriguing .

joshy .

joshy burned his fingers today .

joshy says its pain , and when joshy says its painful , its really painful .

joshy is fuzzy wuzzy no more .

joshy ran his fingers with water .

joshy took good care of his fingers .

joshy's finger is alrite now .













joshy feels sad .













joshy dont know why .













joshy doesnt like her grades compared to his .













joshy feels stupid .













joshy wonders if she belives in him .













joshy's starting to think of things .













joshy's losing confidence .













joshy wishes she says something sometimes .













joshy feels lonely now .













joshy is getting angry at himself .













joshy wants back the little boy he was .













joshy's getting tired .













joshy hugs his angels .













joshy will fight .













joshy . " this is not your standard " twice .













joshy . maybe its just joshy . maybe joshy caused her to slide . just a lil .













joshy loves chocolates and honeycomb .













joshy is gnna leave his amigos for awhile .













joshy hates some ppl . really .













joshy thinks de olvl is similar to psle .













joshy aint gnna care bout anything now .













joshy's gnna do his best , gnna do it with style .













joshy thinks the school should teach for knowledge , not marks .













joshy knows secrets .













joshy feels this is it .



























josh - Einstein with a rock guitar is my reason .

nicely .

first . i got my mentor .

guess who ?

haha . its awesome . he's great .

and he's jealous of my hair !!

haha ! he really tld me that when i was talkin to him outside.

plus he thinks its cool mann .

BUT ! he wants me to cut it .

gah . and obedience is the first step to freedom .

i understand . sighh . to think i wanna save it for prom .

i shall obey , mentor .



secondly . im burning .

burning cuz todayy we realize a snake in de drain .

someone told me .

so i went to check it out .

reached there , there was already a buch of sec 1's and 2s surrounding the drain .

i saw de snake . recognize its a grass snake .

harmless . no venom . bites like a lizard .

it was about 1.2 m long .

but at de 3rd quarter i saw a a fold .

de snake had a fold on de third quarter and was injured .

whyy ?? cuz that mutherfucker used de hard end of a broom to stabb it .

assholes . snakes are animals too .

not to mention one of my favourites .

Godd . poor snake . i feel ur pain mann .

imagine ur 3rd quarter of ur backbone get crushed .

mutherfuckers . heartless . useless . impulsive bastard .

guess what he said ? " i wanted to protect humanity "

ppl like u bring down de quality of humanity .

gosh . if i was there earlier . would have caught it and send it to out OM .

he knows me i sorta know him . well , lets just say we know nature .

he came and was sad as well .

u loser . u shouldnt have hurt de poor snake . and u thought it was poisonous ?

its freakin mouth is small and his head is not even de least arrowed .

its just a harmless grass snake !!!

not to mention theres a huge hard heavy metal covering the drain .

the snake cant even get out .

just bloody stay away from de drain if ur afraid of de bite .

and so u decided to "protect humanity" by stabbing it huh .

i doubt so cuz u said it in a jokingly and proud manner .

cuz what ? u wanna show of in front of de girls that ur a man ?

you are immature and retarded .

wanna show em ur a man huh ?

catch it like a professional .

dont hurt de innocent .

sorry grass snake . i wasnt there at de rite time .

sigh . i miss my spider and snake .

u cruel ppl . ill get tarzan to kick ur ass .


thirdly . got back eg p1 . and oral marks .

GAH !!! wth .

got freaking low for composition .

anyway , i just couldn belive it .

i did my best .

basket . so i went to ask miss ng .

she said she doesnt understand what de hell im writing about .

untill i explain every sentence to her .

and i keep hearing " thdn say so !!!"

i was missing one very very important thing .

the understanding of the reader .

basket la .

although she says everything sounds nice and well put together .

but she just doesnt understand .

and after explaining . she understands alot more ..

bloody hell , what can i say ?

im complex ? my fault that u dont understand ??

got comments from deviga and dorcas .

devi said it sounds very nice and all , but hard to understand .

she also said its like going to an ancient tomb and reading nice ancient scriptures .

but she doesnt really understand no matter how cool it looks .

dorcas says she understands abit , just unclear .

wth . . .

im missing explaination .

maybe im just used to writing in this manner .

mann , if thats de case , i think da vinci failed english too .

anywayy . gtta see miss ng tmr .

i need to re-write everything again but this time make my points clear , simple and understandable .

btw , i gt 16 for oral . highest in class . together with kenneth .

not sure bout de girls , but heck .

i bloody hell shouldn be failing any part of english .

this isnt the way they mark in river valley . isnt the wayy im taught .

even cheong pau's GREAT tuition teacher critcizes miss ng for scrappy work .

grrr , im glad miss ng understood my essay after explaining each sentence to her .


no wonder einstein got kicked out of school .


teachers . mentor is right .

teachers like to do things de "correct way".


sigh . guess i need to follow rulez now .

and i still hate that guy for harming that harmless snake .
bloody hell , was it even a threat ????

and mentor rulez !!


even though some ppl totally fall in love with my hair .
u know , its an extreme case . its either hate or love .
but guess ima get it trimmed soon .





fourthly . curiosity killed the cat .
i shouldn have went to find out what happened .
now , i feel like asking you whyy did u do what u did .
u dont know i know .
and i think ur really asking for it .

your secret is with me .
even though u have no clue that i know .

and i wanna forget i know this .

thats all that happened todayy .

ohohh . that EN game thingy ,

expert with 520000 points .

heard there's a master lvl .

but doubt anyone reached there yet .

i am pumped .


no more amigos for me .
no more senoritas for me .
no more funn for me .
no more .

till de hell in 6 weeks is frozen over .

maybe impt things here and there just to catch up on each other .
im sure ill miss u guys ..

well , kinda decided ima go aussie .
but thats after jc .

but i wouldn know ,
may just leave u guys nxt yr .

and i hope i miss u .
though i know i will do miss some of u .
ALOT .

haa . take care amigos . =]

How's school today ??

murder .

gosh , how much will i have to put up with for these 2 weeks or so ,

not reaching home like an injured bird with broken wings .

well , mr dillian whelan came todayy .

was realli hilarious when he totally made a joke of my hair .

i laughed at myself ! haha . maybe im retarded .

besides that he gave that accent and style thingy . awesome .

also i saw him during the motivational camp ,

fyi . the person lhark wasnt so happy with was him .

i came to realize . this dude is somethin mann .

he has this world org thingy and gave seminars .

gosh , half my dream is already accomplished by himm .

hhaa , but he;s lil too old fer me . i dream to make it by 27 .

anywayy , what he said was so bloody true , people skills are what thats keep this world going .

sociology and the ability to work with others is a crucial quality to have .

besides , he was a good encourager .

said things like whyy put a person down when he's doing his best to go up .

well yeahh . do your best and do it with style .

maybe de amigos dint really catch him .

but i find i work better with ppl like that .

maybe thats why im de top scorer in adam's course ?

out of 80 ppl or so .

well yeahh . that was where i ruled . lead the ppl and show ppl whats life about .

and i thank adam and his crew . for opening this up for me .

gosh i miss u guys . im coming back at de end of de year alrito ?

gnna go be a coach . =]

anywayy dillian dude is right .

ill probably get him as my temporary mentor .

no more games amigo .

you gnna go ,

you gnna see ,

you gnna conquer !!!!

just like any other wars uved had josh .

feeling at the end is so great isnt it ?

anyway , i find the teachers belive in me too .

just that they get a lil pissed with my results .

but they do truly wanna help me .

and i guess we could come together and beat it down like a team .

u may think the teachers are scolding me is demoralizing me and stuff .

gosh . they do know me .

mr annand for instance .

okie . ima take your hand mr annand .

and quite a number of other teachers too .

in fact , i think all of em do .

alrite . no face values ppl .

come with a open heart .

whyy do u need to care if u appear weak now .

what u really need is to get up there .

dillian is rite . no masks ppl . no masks .

im a effective dude , this is not bringing me down .

but first , gtta take care of my body .

its getting weak . and im fasting even longer thdn de malays .

this war has not ended yet .

im not going to fall again .

and success is the only option i can take .

gtta work amigo . gtta work .

move aside ppl .

is this where it ends ?
what couldnt i give in ?

till i find u here with me
beneath our walls this chemistry
and if it werent for yesterday
would u still belive in me ?

im begging for ur reasoning
did u love me anyway ?
and if it werent for yesterday
would u still belive in me ?

doesnt she fail ?
doesnt she falter ?
when im not around ?
she makes me feel like falling down .

doesnt she fail ?
or falter ?
when she calls my name ?
and im not there to heal the pain .

okie , partty is over ,

left with a sundayy to rest .

to prepare for school for 2 weeks .

wth .

supposed to have a months break and all .

now this really screws up my personal time table .

and i dont like it .

bloody . just have to put in extra effort mann .

u can take it josh , just do it .

and this 2 weeks in school is gnna be sick .

teachers will be disappointed , angry and blablabla at me .

well , its what i deserve .

i bear full responsibility .

so yeahh josh .

take a good rest on sundayy .

and prepare to face the music in school .

ppl will laugh , be cynical , tell me off , demoralize me .

and u know what ?

im still gnna belive in myself .

just like i did for 2.4 km .

u will be surprised , awed , and shocked .

and by thdn . maybe i wont shake ur hand .

this 6 weeks after prelims is crucial .

the water is getting much hotter .

and good tea brew best is hot water .

rite ?

maybe i see too much in things .

probably thats whyy prelims doesnt scare me .

okie . ima gnna make O's scary .

when im afraid , i go all out to break that fear .

alrite .

all talk and no action is for crappers .

gtta work josh . gtta work .

will still write bout life here .

maybe to record the thoughts that run my mind for this 6 weeks .

josh . just do what u do best .

ur gnna defeat this barrier like any other ones that u had broken .

just do it .



the fallen angel has a destiny to fufill .


out of this world i will be .
fighting at a mental state for thee .
and may after the battle i be free .
attained wisdom like a thousand year old tree .


=] impossible is nothing

=]

hope u like it .

tired .

of family .

of friends .

of love .

of judgements .

of offering my hand .

of vengence .

of masks .

of ur sorrow .

of seeing the unknown .

of deciphering .

of creativity .

of honour .

of bloodshed .

of being a gentlemen .

of keeping secrets .

of lying for u .

of motivation .

of standing alone .

of solitude .

of fun .

of smiles .

of colours .

of words .

of expectations .

of encouragements .

of breaking the impossible .

of letting myself be pushed .

of waiting .

of that disappointment in ur eyes .

of proving you wrong .

of lies .

of respect .

of searching .

of getting out .

of pain .

of healing .

of being the one .

of walls .

of darkness .

of light .

of everything .













cant i fall ?

think what you want .













i have nothing left in me .
there's nobody left .
except myself .
this world is killing me .
is money all that matters ?
are face values all that everyone cares for ?
are grades that important to your life ?
are you fighting for something ?
something worthed fighting for ?
your life consist expectations .
of other's expectations ?
are you gnna lay on your death bed and ask .
what have i done in my life ?













i hate all of you .
you are nothing but robots .













whats all this massive fortifications of your castle ?
when there's nothing to conquer inside ?














when the world is against me .
are you going to doubt me too ?














a sheep , a follower .
thats what you are .














do you not see the sorrows and beauty of this world ?
is that why you aimlessly fight for nothing ?
blinded by yourself .
binded by yourself .
betrayed by yourself .













whats love to you ?
to see my reactions to your coldness ?
fun ?
how many times have i told myself ?
how long will it take before i see your face ?
when will this break in my heart be mended ?
all thats left alone by me .













i cant stay here anymore .
your secret angel .
has fallen .













do you not see the masks ?
do you not hear the lies ?
do you not feel the pain ?
do you not taste the bitterness ?
do you not breathe deeply ?













i dont .













i see the person behind the mask .
i hear the truth behind the lies .
i feel the well being thats yet to come .
i taste the sweetest freedom .
i breathe life .













and ived fallen .
on my kness .
in despair .
my wings broken .
promising to fly again .
would you not console me ?
would you not give me ,
the peace in mind that i generously gave ?
demented .
all thats left alone but me .
i am not afraid .













in prayer , my soul cries for deliverance .













get lost .
i want to walk alone .
without this world .

angels surround me .
i need your shield .
i need your sword .
defend me from this world .
spread your wings and embrace me .
unlike any human beings .
God , in you i trust .
im coming back Lord .
open the gates , let the angels sing .
guide me home .
take me from this fall .
away from this world .
in your arms i feel your warmth .
wiping away my tears gently .
pass me your shield , grant me the power and strength .
to shed my blood in the battlefield once again .
i love you God , Christ and the Holy spirit . My friends . My Holy love .
i love you Angels . My Guardians .
i thank you for showing me the truth to this world .
i thank you for these gifts . to guide the others in life .
i thank you for always being there for me .
let me rest in the heavens for awhile .


josh - the calling of my guardian angels .

im sorry .

that i had to leave .

norisha . sharifah . ca-may . janice . jade .

i know ived carried u .

shielded u from ur fears .

gave u hope to life again .

im sorry u fell in love .

i see u fall , break , cry .

and i was always there .

to shield u from ur pain .

to offer my hand ,

and carry u away .

i thank u for all the hugs .

for all the sweet words .

for the times u tried to bite my lips .

for all your sacrifice ,

your mind body and soul .

im sorry i cant take it .

and im sorry , i had to leave .


and im deepest regrets for one of u .

that u have frantically called for me .

and ur last request to see me .

i rejected it . with a frozen heart .

im sorry , i didnt know u were leaving this world .

and your last words ,

"i love you"

breaks me . makes me kneel before God for prayer .

im sorry , that i have forsakened you .

im crying . hearing your words from heaven .

how i wished , i hadnt see you from the beginning .

that i didnt see this helpless girl in pain .

so i wouldn have gave her life the light again .

and only to see her die , in her love for me .

for all that ived put into your life .

im hearing you . i hear your sorries and thanks .

for saving you from the drowning darkness .

and now i hear your cry form the heavens .

in return for my favour .

and i hear your words to guide me in life .

i thank you for your understanding .

i know u wish for my happiness .

i heard it .

and i cant help but cry .



i know what ived done to your lives .

it breaks me to leave u there just like that .

but i at least know , when u fall this time .

you'ved learn to stand up by yourself .

i know you hate me for leaving you .

but i taught u life . i taught u sorrow and pain .

i taught u to break your fears . i taught you to stand .

i taught my life to you .

all i wanted was your understanding .

and now that i know ived made you .

that uved learnt to stand .

its time to leave . before you mistake me for love .

neither did i know . you already fallen for me since the beginning .

im sorry , for the forsakening .

although i hear your cries .

although i feel the worse doing this .

i feel this peace within . that ived pulled another soul to life .

i know you wont forget me .

i know u still love me .

but one day you will thank me .

for my forsakening .

just like her in heaven .

she has understood my doings .

that even if it wasnt love at all .

she's grateful for this friendship .


everytime it rains .

i think of all the sorrows in the world .

that the heavens and angels gather to remember .

to remember the sorrows and the pain in life .

and the heavens and angels would cry .

and every drop means a trickle of tear for each sorrow and pain .

and everytime it rains .

theres this calm within .

that all the sorrows and pain are accounted for .

that someone is there to heal them .

that something would make them smile again .

for without sorrows , how can there be happiness ?



im bleeding , my friends around me do not understand .

and my love for someone is in a lost .

i dare not put my all into love this time .

before i cause another beautiful disaster .

but they would want me to carry on .

praying for my happiness .

and ived promised them i would find it .

but im confused . broken and in darkness .

i dont want to take this step .

i want her to do it .

thats why i remain silent at times .

ived kept this for a long time .

now that she discovered me .

i hope she wouldnt just leave me there .

i hope she takes up the courage to love me .

i hope she believes in me .

closing my eyes .

dreaming .

letting my subconscious take over my thoughts .

seeing flashes of my life .

seeing you and me .

feeling myself fall into this .

do you not ?







dont call me a player .
i was never one .
though i feign .
though i hide you from my heart .






listen to the rain .
hear my every beat of my heart for u .
dont cry anymore .






evanescence - october - in tears for me , i hear your cries
30s to mars - a modern myth - forsaken secret goodbyes
evanescence - listen to the rain - feel the sorrows and lies

josh - crimson regret and betrayal . your blood for my thirst .

i feel this surge for death within .

the enigma of who i am is killing me .

i am my own murderer .

i want to feel every bit of my body tremble .

and i am intrigued by what's to come .

no one cares .

even if they do . they will never get what i want to make me smile .

they never had the guts to say what they truly feel .

never had the guts to do what they really want.

never fought for their lives .

never cared enough if josh live or die .






the bleeding starts again today .
and i dont intend to stop it .







will anyone be my tourniquet this time .







josh - the darkened blood shall flow .

please dont be hurt .

hold me close .

let it out .

i promise i'll be a listening ear .

and a comfortable sofa to cushion ur fall .

i wanna take away ur pain and see u smile .

as we embrace one another , kiss me .

time will stop , and we'll need no answers anymore .

hear every beat of my heart for u .

rest in me .

im here always .



josh - yours .

the banquet .

everything meant so much to my world .



nobody knows who i really am .

everybody is blind .

blind to the emotions i feel .

blind to the truth i show .

some may see a crack of light to josh .



desire .

betrayal .

hate .

vengence .

lies .

battles .

assasinations .

love .

poison .



i understood it all .

every detail meant a part of this world .

every sentence . every intention .

truly a great piece of art .




josh - the fallen prince .

Love , Life .
one speaks for the other one , hear
and love , life
one speaks for the other one now
we'll try to get by

Did anyone try too hard
well i guess i did
i guess i did alright
Will she'll break my heart ?
Will she'll break my heart ?

Cause ever since the minute i saw ur face
I knew i wanted to be in that place
Next to u , yeah .
and now i spend my whole life trying
To be the one in ur arms
and ill try to get by .

Will she break my heart ?

Isnt it alright ?
Why cant it be ?
Just this once alright ?
It will be you and me .

will u ?

cuz love is a marathon .
thats why u get tired so fast of everyone .
slow down and pace urself .
cuz when its good .
its a long open road .

ill be waiting .

if u think still .
u'll find a soul behind a thrill .
ur just a cat chasing ur tail .
what if u relax ?
something might last .

im still a gentlemen .

Im standing before u .
With these labels on my head .
"Im pleading before u , for u to understand"
"I adore u , I'll be there till the end"
"When everything falls down , will u hold my hand?"

baby , its u .



josh - the fallen . in love .

todayy marks the day of extreme sleeplessness and hunger .

i joshua sim sze khai has not eaten for more thdn 32 hours .

between this few days . before my previous 6 hour break . did not sleep for 30 plus hours .

i guess im crazy . doing nothing but study . i dont care now .

i screwed up bio p2 todayy . screwed up amath .

did i study for bio ? bet i did . guess what ? im doing worse thdn kenneth .

did he study ??? nooo .

did i won him last time ? yess .

did i study last time ? nooo .

fuck . why is this happening ?

the only reason i can think of is consciousness alertness and physical strength ived been extremely abusing .

okie . with todayys battle situation .

ima increase my estimation . L1R5 30 +/- 2 .

okie . so if i get 32 . i reduced 7 points in 3 days .

and there is 42 days to O's after prelims . 24 days to practicals .

45 divided by 3 . 15 .

15 x 7 . 105 points .

so by right if i do so . i shud get -73 for O's .

and im aiming for 6 okie ?

so am i behind plan ? hell no .

i just wanted to test my limits and discover new records i can break .

u know . some dayy ima be like david blaine . doing all those stuff .

ima learn street magic . cuz thats de difference between me and him .

read up bout him . found that he's quite similar to me in thinking .

jus that he started magic long ago .

nice . i wanna stand on a pole for days with no strings attatched .

wanna get between ice for 3 days .

wanna be buried alive .

haha . i just realized i dod some of this crazy things .

i stood right in frnt of de air con on 16 degrees with my top off for 7 hours .

i stood on 21st storey's edge before . (not suicide . for de expreience)

i nv ate for about 3 days straight .

hmm . im getting there . and im just 16 .

one day i wanna outfast ghandi !!

go skydiving and climb mount everest !

learn snowboarding and pakour !

get my dj set and play at a club . heating the house up .

all this and more . i thirst for it .

well i remembered something . i realized . seeing the light .

u know ? during when i was 14 yrs old .

my 2.4 km run . i was the bout the last in class .

i wanted to do well . i wanted to beat the first . i belived i could . but i nv did try . i procrastinated . and bullshited . walking taking my time . but i really belived i could . even though de world was "against" me .

ppl made fun of me being fat and usless . well it was really for de fun .

one day i on PE . was another usual PE dayy . just that

i decided to give up 2.4 that day . wasnt in de mood to run . and dint had breakfast .

when i returned . i saw de PE teacher .

she scolded me . gave me a thrashing . saying that nothing is impossible .

saying that its de battle in the mind . not de body . saying that i used the excuse for not eating breakfast .

she was an athlete . a good one . with de right mind .

so i gt a lil pissed . but heyy . at least she belived in me i thought .

so as usual i decided to let it go .

but things happened that week .

and the week after . back on PE .

i stood there . looking at the school gate . everybody's there waiting to go .

i looked up in the sky . i looked at the ground . i felt the darkness and light within took over my soul .

i wanted revenge . and i had faith .

so as soon as de teacher said go . i ran from the back of the crowd .

i started out charging in front . pushing and putting it on full throttle .

i wanted to throw out my hate . anger and to fight for de honour of it .

as i ran . i ran . feeling my every breath so deeply . overtaking every enemy with rage .

im already near the first runner .

ived reached the mid of the run .

and i the picture of the person in front of me irks me .

feeling my weakened knees and breaking body and mind .

i told myself . why run so far and lose to him .

so i charged it up with rage . screaming my rage as i ran pass him . like a deathcry to war .

surprised he was . unwilling to accept defeat .

so he charged up too . and before i know it . he was right beside me .

i told myself again . im nt gnna lose to this . im not fighting for nothing .

ived come so far in such a short time . i am certainly not giving up .

so i felt and i was weak . really weak . but i had to fight . i just had to .

during my last turn . half my system shutting down .

i told myself again . ur all . everything uved gt . im so close .

even if u want to collaspe do it after the line josh .

ARGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these were my last words .

i deathcried once again .

taking that last step to the finishing line .

i came first .

falling on my knees . on the grasspatch i laid .

and i consciously passed out . nobody noticed .

it was less thdn 15 seconds .

the PE teacher came . "Good job josh" " Good job" " U did it !".

ppl surprised . ppl were amazed . i didnt cared .

cuz they were the same losers who ever did believe i could .

and ever since . i topped the class and every run i had .

how could this be ?

last to first in 1 shot ?

u know what ? i believed i could .

and now the only guy in class got a gold for his fitness test .

i guess ppl forget too easily .

but i have friends who stand by me . ppl who trust and believed in me .

i know ived let u guys down a couple of times .

im truly srry .

but i swear to GOd . this is the last time im gnna be .

like before . in 10.30 mins . from last to first .

in 6 weeks . down to 6 points .

i know ppl and some teachers are still cynical about this .

not that i care of . but watch ur ass cuz im gnna kick it .

uved forgotten my victory . now im going to prove u once again .

My Mind , Body , and Soul . in one .

I play to win .

There's no option left but success .

I love myself .

I love my alter egos .

Both the Enemy and Friend .


without the mask .
where will u hide ?



the darkness and light falls together once again .



josh - the undeciphered .

gosh , im really working like mad now .

i cant belive im doing this .

what's gotten into me ?

whyy am i suddenly so hardworking ?

i hate this . but alrito . its de state of mind i shud be now .

this is not myself .

i miss getting second in class for geo with pure brain power . (no studying at all)

i miss using my brain to work out things that i dont know and find the rationale behind it .

i miss the crazy ass egoistic fun loving guy .

mann mann . whats gotten into me really ?

okie prelims is lil up and down .

i started too late . but theres still time .

i was decided on aiming 23 .

now im counting and estimating . ill reach 27 +/- 2 .

not bad for a days work b4 de exam mann .

i belive this is the biggest effort yet .

wow . im starting to like this new self .

hmm . i wonder if i can get anyway to combine my old and now .

im losing to damien in geo now . todayys paper was above average .

guess what . i studied the whole god damn nite . damien dint at all .

now he's gt all his damn points down . and i dint .

im losing to him ? with actually studying for it ?

and i won him previously . he wins i wins . nv ending battle . but we dint studyy at all .

wth man . see ? my old thinking is right . brains over bronze .

nvm . think its becuz of the stress and 30 plus hours of not sleeping .

entering the battlefield with half strength and consciousness .

i rather go to war with everything ived gt .

thdn study de strategies the entire nite and be physically and mentally weak on that dayy .

wtf , im calling myself weak !

sighh . izzit cuz i want to try a new way of fighting .

it is true . knowledge is power .

alrite . i know im doing this for her .

im srry if i fail . but u must know . i did my best .

or rather am doing .

she's changing me ?

yeahh ?

haa . dont wnna answer that .

im still de same joshy . just more hardworking ! ( i know im blogging now . haa )

so next time . start earlier josh . so u get both the knowledege and the physical and mental strength .

after de prelims . i know i wont score that well . but if i get 27 . i minus 12 points in a few days .

and theres 6 weeks after prelims to 0's . trust me . it will work .

gah like u reading this is gnna belive me acheiving my dreams . "NO WAYY" ud sayy .

i tired . 30 plus hrs no sleep already till this moment .

at least when im on my bed now . taking my last look before opening them again . i did my best .

even if i get what i get . i deserve it . cuz its all my responsibility for my grades .

ima take control over my studies . i feel the urge to work .

like the urge to finish this race .

similar to AKE . rock climbing . mount oph . and dayys i killed myself reaching my goals .

but guess what . i gt there in de end . im getting this feeling .

i may be far behind u right now . but i swear to God ill win my race .

my all . my knees on the ground after the finishing line . passing out .

gnna give my all . 30 plus hrs of endless thoughts ends here in my conscious mind .

i thought .

i thought i was at the playground .

are we gnna play catching and hide and seek till de end ?

i realize its not catching or hide and seek anymore .

its now about sitting down and eating that ice cream together .

and i dont think ill visit the playground ever again .

i hope u will come with me .

i want to show u.

My World .


josh - the willing to be the fool for true love .

my journey in life .

is beautiful .

everything that happened .

its for a reason .

even when some sayy that theres no reason for love ?

i ought to sought .

i belived some of u had crossed paths with me before .

letting u take a ride in my life . seeing things through my eyes .

and u know . that i know things that ppl dont . and that i am true .

that its lies i hate . but im the lie living so that some can hide in my dark shadows .

everything i have done was for a good cause .

never to harm .

sometimes ppl have to learn things the hard wayy .

so lead them there . and they shall learn .

i ponder at times when i wonder why am i on earth for .

i cant really find reasons for that .

but changing lives of people . showing them the light in darkness .

watching . observing . deciphering . creating . playing .

and i see smiles . beautiful smiles . smiles that are real and from the heart .

not lies that u see on tv . they are beautiful smiles . but unreal .

well sometimes lies are for good causes . i belived ived used them .

not on anyone . but myself . i lie to myself . that nothing is bad . that my life is what i make of it .

cuz i know . that at times . somethings cannot really be changed .

for example for the moment . time . can u change time . back and forth ?

what is time ?

whyy do we remember the things we do remember ?

and whyy does our mind be able to predict a happenin .

lies . its a form of belive . a want or made of a form of belive .

and beliefs are beliefs . waiting to be made a fact . by ur very own hands .

if fate exists .

why are we here for ??

to live the story that has already been written ?

if so . who has the book ?

doesnt matter who has it . who wrote it is a better question .

are we really as planned ? thdn what is the purpose of living . tell me . to live out ur fate ?

i personally think not .

i think we are out here to write our own stories .

we are the writers of our lives .

and everything else that happens . are just natural or random .

and its not what happens to us . its our reaction to what happens to us that makes the outcome . that makes what will really happen to us .

another day . another day of outcomes . that u have made .

sometimes i just want to close my eyes .

i dont wish to see the sadness in the world .

i dont wish to see the lies .

but sometimes i see things that are beautiful . and i appreciate that . i Thank myself for opening them .

i am here for a purpose .

and i see that my friends around me are different from the world as well .

influenced by me ? cuz i cross their paths too many times ?

i dont want to belive that . they are special ppl . and here for a reason too .

i used to think so . but now i know . no man's really an island .

u may know alot . but that person may just know a few . but some of them are what u not know of .

so ived learnt humility .

ived also learnt ego and confidence .

well for both . there is the good the bad and the fun .

release the bad and ur fine .

good and fun ego are good and fun .

bad humility ? yes they exist .

when ur so humble . u become complacent .

when u dont wish to take a stand . short changing urself unconsciously . thats bad humility .

well well well .

now's life again .

my prelims are nearing .

and frankly speaking . dont care what the grades turn out to be .

i know ived been stressed and muddled about the past weeks .

haven been really studying . but im still in schedule .

so this 2 days . i will do my best . also during the prelims . ill do my best .

i may have regrets . but i dont think so . seeing smiles is better thdn prelim grades .

of cuz if i do well ill see more smiles .

still . quality over quantity yeahh ?

anyway . life as i know it . will be a fruitful journey for me .

and i have tickets to my ride .

feel free to hop on anytime .

i love u ppl .



if u want me .
come get me .
dont leave me waiting
anymore .


josh - the mastermind

this is killing me !!

i cant eat sleep think properly .

affecting me . affecting my progress .

think ima screw up prelims again .

nono josh . get up !! to de end !!!

sighh . ived calculated .

even if i get 35 for prelims . im still gnna make it to rjc or some other gd jc . as carefully planned .

but how much am i aiming for prelims ? 23>L1R5 . as alpha planned .

i wanna go before schedule !! .

seems like one day i dont get this off my head . ill nv concentrate fully .

Gah !!!!!! God !! why do u have to put this to me all the time !! yes i know . im suppose to learn and grow from it . appreciate the thought . but not now !!

so little time left for prelims . and they teachers and ppl will talk again .

me getting around 20 for L1R5 during prelims aint gnna take josh to rjc ." blablabla . u cant make it blablabla . see i told u so " blablabla . im so disappointed in u " blablabla .

mutherfuckers . think what u want .

yes i do agree , not much time left .

this is crazy .

so much is happening . how am i gnna take it all down .

nvm joshy . all u've got . all u've got .

but hell !!! gah .

another day i cant get this off my mind . im getting weaker somehow .

i shud stop thinking and leave it alone rite ?? thats what everybody says . even i think so .

but u know what ??

IT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!

GAH !!!

somebody . someone . SAVE ME !!!

hmm . i shud get my bio amath emath and humans done first .

nt gnna care bout science .

yeahh .

gah !!

grrr .

@#$*(^%$#@#%^&

killer .

murderer .

i want to get this off my mind !!!!!!!!

someone talk to me .

tell me things and sweet nothings .

whisper to me ur heart .

ur soul divine .

let me rest in peace .


frustrating it is so .

please girl . i came to see u todayy .

and im still pretty much unconscious .

will u wake me up ?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,

Knowing you don't care.

And if I sleep just to dream of you

I'll wake without you there,

Isn't something missing?

Isn't something...

silence at the bus stop .

this dilemma is killing me .

and im clean .

and i swear to God .

and my emotions are real .

and the last thing i want to do .

is to break anybody's heart .

im in need to know .

do u ?



you are so beautiful .


josh - the undeciphered .

Joshe

23/01/1990

Ships in the harbour are safe

But that;s not what ships are built for

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