todayy marks the day of extreme sleeplessness and hunger .
i joshua sim sze khai has not eaten for more thdn 32 hours .
between this few days . before my previous 6 hour break . did not sleep for 30 plus hours .
i guess im crazy . doing nothing but study . i dont care now .
i screwed up bio p2 todayy . screwed up amath .
did i study for bio ? bet i did . guess what ? im doing worse thdn kenneth .
did he study ??? nooo .
did i won him last time ? yess .
did i study last time ? nooo .
fuck . why is this happening ?
the only reason i can think of is consciousness alertness and physical strength ived been extremely abusing .
okie . with todayys battle situation .
ima increase my estimation . L1R5 30 +/- 2 .
okie . so if i get 32 . i reduced 7 points in 3 days .
and there is 42 days to O's after prelims . 24 days to practicals .
45 divided by 3 . 15 .
15 x 7 . 105 points .
so by right if i do so . i shud get -73 for O's .
and im aiming for 6 okie ?
so am i behind plan ? hell no .
i just wanted to test my limits and discover new records i can break .
u know . some dayy ima be like david blaine . doing all those stuff .
ima learn street magic . cuz thats de difference between me and him .
read up bout him . found that he's quite similar to me in thinking .
jus that he started magic long ago .
nice . i wanna stand on a pole for days with no strings attatched .
wanna get between ice for 3 days .
wanna be buried alive .
haha . i just realized i dod some of this crazy things .
i stood right in frnt of de air con on 16 degrees with my top off for 7 hours .
i stood on 21st storey's edge before . (not suicide . for de expreience)
i nv ate for about 3 days straight .
hmm . im getting there . and im just 16 .
one day i wanna outfast ghandi !!
go skydiving and climb mount everest !
learn snowboarding and pakour !
get my dj set and play at a club . heating the house up .
all this and more . i thirst for it .
well i remembered something . i realized . seeing the light .
u know ? during when i was 14 yrs old .
my 2.4 km run . i was the bout the last in class .
i wanted to do well . i wanted to beat the first . i belived i could . but i nv did try . i procrastinated . and bullshited . walking taking my time . but i really belived i could . even though de world was "against" me .
ppl made fun of me being fat and usless . well it was really for de fun .
one day i on PE . was another usual PE dayy . just that
i decided to give up 2.4 that day . wasnt in de mood to run . and dint had breakfast .
when i returned . i saw de PE teacher .
she scolded me . gave me a thrashing . saying that nothing is impossible .
saying that its de battle in the mind . not de body . saying that i used the excuse for not eating breakfast .
she was an athlete . a good one . with de right mind .
so i gt a lil pissed . but heyy . at least she belived in me i thought .
so as usual i decided to let it go .
but things happened that week .
and the week after . back on PE .
i stood there . looking at the school gate . everybody's there waiting to go .
i looked up in the sky . i looked at the ground . i felt the darkness and light within took over my soul .
i wanted revenge . and i had faith .
so as soon as de teacher said go . i ran from the back of the crowd .
i started out charging in front . pushing and putting it on full throttle .
i wanted to throw out my hate . anger and to fight for de honour of it .
as i ran . i ran . feeling my every breath so deeply . overtaking every enemy with rage .
im already near the first runner .
ived reached the mid of the run .
and i the picture of the person in front of me irks me .
feeling my weakened knees and breaking body and mind .
i told myself . why run so far and lose to him .
so i charged it up with rage . screaming my rage as i ran pass him . like a deathcry to war .
surprised he was . unwilling to accept defeat .
so he charged up too . and before i know it . he was right beside me .
i told myself again . im nt gnna lose to this . im not fighting for nothing .
ived come so far in such a short time . i am certainly not giving up .
so i felt and i was weak . really weak . but i had to fight . i just had to .
during my last turn . half my system shutting down .
i told myself again . ur all . everything uved gt . im so close .
even if u want to collaspe do it after the line josh .
ARGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
these were my last words .
i deathcried once again .
taking that last step to the finishing line .
i came first .
falling on my knees . on the grasspatch i laid .
and i consciously passed out . nobody noticed .
it was less thdn 15 seconds .
the PE teacher came . "Good job josh" " Good job" " U did it !".
ppl surprised . ppl were amazed . i didnt cared .
cuz they were the same losers who ever did believe i could .
and ever since . i topped the class and every run i had .
how could this be ?
last to first in 1 shot ?
u know what ? i believed i could .
and now the only guy in class got a gold for his fitness test .
i guess ppl forget too easily .
but i have friends who stand by me . ppl who trust and believed in me .
i know ived let u guys down a couple of times .
im truly srry .
but i swear to GOd . this is the last time im gnna be .
like before . in 10.30 mins . from last to first .
in 6 weeks . down to 6 points .
i know ppl and some teachers are still cynical about this .
not that i care of . but watch ur ass cuz im gnna kick it .
uved forgotten my victory . now im going to prove u once again .
My Mind , Body , and Soul . in one .
I play to win .
There's no option left but success .
I love myself .
I love my alter egos .
Both the Enemy and Friend .
without the mask .
where will u hide ?
the darkness and light falls together once again .
josh - the undeciphered .
